I’m going to do my best not to swear in this post, but that’s not really saying much.
So you know how people say “Everyone’s a comedian!” or, if you’re in my line of work, “Everyone’s a writer!”? Well apparently, everyone is also an arbiter of fiscal responsibility and of what people should or should not do with their own earned money. Isn’t that comforting? Before we go any further, anyone who is busy and doesn’t have time to read this post and/or who is okay with profanity, please watch this Jay and Silent Bob clip about Internet commenters to get a succinct, if colorful, rendition of exactly how I’ve been feeling all day today since reading this comment. [Seriously. It's hilarious.]
Everyone else, meet The Biggest Ball Licker of All, “Disgruntled Fan”:
Feel free to click to enlarge.
And now, allow me to dissect.
A. This is hilarious. First, readers, we get a direct line into Ball Licker’s mentality, which is that of a self-pitying, finger-pointing, holier-than-thou, sarcastic douche. Second, we get a blatant insult to my intelligence. As someone who was brutally laid off the day after her honeymoon in the darkest depths of the recession, who almost had too much pride to get on unemployment, but who busted her hump creating a blog as a working resume that would serve to get me the great, dream-fulfilling job I have now, I take your sarcasm, I fashion it into a turd, and I insert it into your pie hole.
B. I don’t run. Ever. I bike. And sometimes Moonwalk.
C. I wasn’t aware I was writing this blog in order to be “relative” to anyone. We write “BOOBIES” on calculators and sing songs about ring rash. I don’t really try all that hard to be relatable, I just be myself. And tons of really awesome people happen to relate to that, and they are my Internet friends now. They are also probably going to hurl Internet javelins at you, like I would do for them.
D. That’s a bold assertion. So you believe that what someone wears can determine their character? I take it you also think girls who wear high heels deserve to be raped? Girls with blond hair are dumb? You just painted yourself as highly judgmental, bigoted, patronizing, stereotyping, and my favorite of all, completely moronic. You just set society back a few decades; nice work.
E. Give who a break? What? Why? Is this blog required reading in Canada? If so, that’s awesome.
F. I can’t believe he/she prefers bloggers get free stuff than pay for things themselves with their own hard-earned money. That sort of negates the entire premise of the comment, which is making me smile.
G. I don’t know how they can, because I sure can’t! Gee, but I think I’ll hate them and call them vapid for being able to? No wait, that doesn’t sound right. Do you go on Sephora.com and find reviews of expensive products, then ridicule those people for buying them? You act like a recession is a snow storm, and I’m driving around in a convertible in it. I work hard, I’m thankful for what I have, and I’m not asking for any handouts. The rest is none of your goddamned business.
Also, I don’t own any purses for which I’ve paid more than $300. [Thanks, eBay!] I have one pair of boots that was $1000 retail, but I got $500 off with a promotional code, and paid for the rest with money I earned selling things on eBay. The rest, I just buy on eBay period. Man, now I’m getting really pissed off.
H. Daily basis? Who shops on a daily basis for things that expensive? I don’t even brush my hair on a daily basis.
I. Multiple pairs. Yes, you got me there. I have a closet. Everyone out there with a closet, please raise your hands! [Can we all agree Disgruntled Fan has never been to Sea of Shoes? Or maybe Disgruntled F. has, and that's why Jane turned off her comment section.]
J. If you don’t begrudge me, then why… oh, forget it.
K. I have never, ever, EVER in any way stated that how I dress and what I wear is the only way to be stylish. You should be ashamed of yourself for suggesting that. I often post pictures of other people as inspirational in how they dress; me, I’m just doing my own thing. And here I’m going to have to tell you go to screw yourself.
L. There are no good thrift stores here, or else I would. Also, eBay and online is easier for me. I’m a busy, busy bee, Disgruntled! And I like to spend my free time with Rob, not alienating him while I wander dusty clothes racks. Although that does sound fun.
M. I don’t know how 
Oh yeah, and I have a day job, dummy. When am I going to find the time to stitch my own undies? Gotsta bring home the bacon for the boots, right!? Time is money in this tough economy! Work work work! Earn earn earn. Spend spend spend!
N. Hey, stop telling me what to do.
O. Good thinking!
P. I highly, highly doubt you’re a fan.
Normally, I wouldn’t give this person this much coverage, but this one was too good not to pass up. I love the rest of you.
-Carey
My first question, is there really such a thing as a “Disgruntled Fan?” Great retort Carey.
okay now wtf is this about? and i obvs don’t mean your response – which was effing brilliant by the way.
you are probably the least pimping the goods, you have to dress like me to be cool blog out there. i’ve been following for at least a year from a distance and have never found your posts to be anything other than well-written and in good taste. the last thing i feel is pressured to go buy super expensive things (but would if i could because it would be my hard earned money that paid for it and that would be my business, right? – as it would be yours)
anyway – you said it best so i won’t keep rambling, but that comment just highly bothered me because that description is not you in any way shape or form whatsoever.
long live ebay!
and making a life for yourself in the middle of a bitch ass recession.
fdrt5 – that’s from the chef’s cat who stomped on the keyboard just now. i highly suspect it’s the f word in some form or fashion of cat-ese.
over and out.
xoxo,
carrie
I love your cats. aeow82388= that was from Eli, who bit me while I tried to show him how to type.
xo to you. xo.
I most love how they told me I should design my own clothes. Rob just suggested we go get some burlap sacks and stitch together a dress and some sexy shoes, and now we’re crying we’re laughing so hard.
!!!??!! Take that negativity elsewhere, thank you!
Did they not see your post about never buying at retail prices?! Please…
This is a riot and you and Rob are brilliant!!! Love it and can’t wait for more from you both!!! Ball Licker can go suck it.
isn’t Churchill Downs a racetrack where they race horses and gamble lots and lots of money or some shit? We’re in a recession, you horse meat eating, glue making animal hater!
You get em, Carey!!!! Love your response!
THANKS, baby!
hi from Rob
xo
This is so ridiculous – glad you’re taking it in stride! I literally LOL’d at your comments. The best response to life is laughter, good for you for not letting this shake your confidence in what you do.
Lol, internet. I don’t get why people feel the need to worry about everyone else’s blogs so much–if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Also, it’s the internet, it’s not that serious!
Nice reply
I can never think of anything clever, but I loled at these 
I’m sorry you had to deal with all that negativity! I love your blog, you and Rob have such a fun, unique point of view. Keep up the good work!
I think Carrie’s cat typed “farts” in text-speak
Hurling an internet javelin (or 10) at the disgruntled ass that wrote that ridiculous post! Who loves ya babe?! WE DO!
You deserve a medal for that diagram! I mean that is some good stuff.
haha. I’m glad I went with the alphabet and not numbers, because the last sentence is so singable: LMNOP!!!
What a pill! Seriously, that’s the best insult I can come up with right now. But really, internet haters are the WORST; they hide behind the warm glow of their computer screen, knowing that no one will ever know they wrote what they did–losers.
I, personally, find your blog to be quite eloquent, unpretentious, hilarious, and 100% awesome. Tell churchill downs that they need to go back to kentucky. (..and i can say that, having been born/raised in ohio)
xx
Heh… oh the haters are always going to hate! It’s like you don’t know what’s going on in your head and on your blog but they do!
The “you satanist! you own too many handbags and boots and how someone afford them?” part reminds me of the comments I got at one point about my travels and how a normal person should not be able to afford them. Like the commentators know exactly what I spend my money on!
Haters gonne hate!
Certainly are! And that’s a low blow… if you want to travel, you’ll travel. At least you’re going around supporting different communities, right? It’s the character attacks I don’t let slide by and have a lot of fun defending!
I’m going to comment on your blog… so I can live vicariously through your awesome travels!
ha! love this!
LMAO! Didn’t think anything could top ‘Sup Haters!’
I was wrong. Cheers to you guys!
haha. this was supremely fun to write…
Brilliant as always Woody! In true southern style all I can say to your “fan” is, “Bless your heart” which is code for.. well you know
.
I love the blog, so you just keep doing your thing and leave the internet javelins for another day.
I know you are “over it”, but if it makes you feel any better, negative energy is a bitch and it will come back to bite you in the ass. So be rest assured that this asshole is living a thoroughly miserable life. I know it makes me feel better.
So because there is nothing that I hate more than internet lurking bottom dwellers, let’s just for kicks pretend that I am Carey and this is my response. I apologize to all of your regular readers right now for my language in advance. It would go something like this:
Hi asshole. Since you did leave your comments via the web I can safely assume that you did so on a computer. Am I correct? Or perhaps because we are in said recession maybe you tapped it out in morse code? Didn’t think so. Can I also assume that since we are in a recession, you built this computer yourself? Or did you (gasp!) BUY it?!!! Perhaps contributing to child slave labor somewhere in the world?!! Oh my God! Is the computer that you are using powered by solar energy, or are you greedily sapping our planet of its resources? Shame on you for being so selfish. And don’t you feel like a sloth with nothing better to do than comment on this blog, when you could be serving at a soup kitchen somewhere instead? Shame on you.
And lastly just because it feels good, (Thank you Axel) the best comeback of all….F**ck You, Suck My Fu**ing D**k.
Ahhh. There. Now I feel better.
HAHA I love how you dissected the comment. It’s like science for haters who decide to leave moronic comments on a blog they don’t have to follow.
Whoever left that comment, just got SCHOOLED.
This lack of a human being obviously wears severly tight white underwear wedged up so high that they speak in a muppet voice and don’t ever get laid
plus they obviously sit at home day after day looking for blogs to flog in a disturbingly creepy volume
WTF
I love you guys. That cunt is worse than Patrick Bateman! YES I SAID IT SHE’S WORSE THAN A SERIAL KILLER WHO LOVES OLIVER PEOPLES AND JOHN PAUL GAULTIER.
i’m just catching up on all of this. what a wanker. bravo to you carey, rock on girl. xoxo, laura
I came up with the term “Satanic Hell-Cow” this morning in reference to a bitch-ass puppeteer with whom I have the misfortune of having to work. I think the term applies equally well to Disgruntled Fan.
I have been away (gasp) shopping and spending, and therefore am just getting caught up on my C&C. This is brilliant. YOU are brilliant. Loved. It.
Oh, good lord. I agree with everything you said. There was a girl in an LJ community that I used to frequent about 8 years ago who always had a surge of haters at her back because she would occasionally buy very nice Lanvin shirts and ballet flats. She was the only one who purchased items of that caliber, which made her quite the minority in a community based upon showing off your finest garden variety thrift finds.
We’d all ask her questions, dodging around the obvious, “How can you buy clothes like that? How can you afford it? Where do you buy them?” etc, etc. Yes, she probably had wealthy parents, but there’s a difference between sharing and being a show-off, and I suppose it’s a fine line, but within the context of a personal blog it’s perfectly acceptable! Disgruntled Fan has the very easy option to simply stop reading your blog if he or she doesn’t like it. Fashion blogs are a well-established sector of blogging industry, and there are budget-friendly fashion blogs galore.
I know people who work and are very good at saving for what they want, and reduce their expenses in other areas in their life so they are able to purchase items that they value, whether it be clothes, food, trips, whatever. Regardless of their pay level. No one hates on people who save up for weekend trips to Arizona or wherever, and those trips cost well over a good pair of boots. You put money into what you value, and if you can earn the money to pay for these things, all the better. Boots just happen to be more conspicuous than a bronze hue from a weekend spent by the pool.
Sometimes I think people feel the most important when they jump on the mighty soapbox and make critical, judgmental assertions. Maybe that’s why they do it in the first place.
I am human and prone to brief bouts of envy. But never has feeding that envy given me anything resembling joy. Why not be happy for others? Why not stop obsessing about what everyone else does, what they have, and start focusing on your own blessings and pursuits?
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m the least fashion-forward person I know. But beyond your Kors and Prada are passion, creativity, character, and great writing … which (not to downplay your fashion finds or ensembles) are much more foundational. That means you could actually take anything (mid-recession dumpster-diving treasures!) and portray them beautifully.
When you get around to designing your own burlap undies, I’d like a pair please.